To Catch a Fly
As I spend my day trying to de-idle my brain, I think a lot of things. My rule is not to banish any thought, be it worthless or not. I come up with many important baseless discoveries that more often than never uplift the human race. Besides, I empathise with the harassees of the houseflies. The annoying wing-beat hummers can drive anyone wild. So in a gesture of compassion, I have decided to share this amazing housefly-catching technique. And I will not bore you with the anatomy of the housefly, so read on.
The Schnook
when a housefly lands on a surface, do not infect your brain with any of hatred, frustration, or pity. Assume a cold, calculating mode. Remind yourself that you are doing this just because you can. Alternatively, you can adopt the Matrix philosophy and chant on: 'There's no housefly.' However, I doubt that you'll look cool with that chant, because
1. you're not Neo
2. you dont have cool shades
3. Neo is too cool to be bothered by flies, and
4. There IS a housefly.
When you have calmed your mind, and that your intentions are not impured by your emotions, lower your cupped palm on the surface near the fly, although sufficiently far enough so that it does not realize that it is about to get Schnooked. You are now going to sweep across the surface, and jerk your palm fully closed just as you are about to touch the fly. Almost always, it will notice your movement, and will take a flight. Therefore, you should estimate the displaced position the fly will be in.
The Head-on Swoop
The most important point is that your sweeping movement should be such that it meets the fly head-on. (If you cannot see its head, chances are that you forgot to wear your lenses, that you're too far from the fly, or that what you thought was a fly was a forgotten raisin.) This counterdirectional strategy allows you higher chances of success because a fly typically takes a longer time flying backwards than forward. This is in conjunction with the recent finding at Pradhan Labs that a housefly takes a longer time to take off if it is attacked from the front.
You need to practice to perfect this sweep, and build the swiftness in your paw. Once you get the hang of it, it will be as easy as catching a fly.
After you do a clean swoop, you might feel the reassuring buzz of the fly in your fist. You might feel:
1. disgusted that you're touching it with your palm
2. A Suffocating curiosity of whether you really DID capture it, making you want to open your fist just a bit to peer in, and
3. proud that you have a god's creation at your mercy in your fist 4. Intense hatred at the vile creature.
At these trying times, you should still keep your actions methodical, because losing composure is just not cool, and doing so will most of the time lead to the fly's escape.
The Death Fling
Once you make your catch, you have two options, one of which is to just open your fist and let the fly fly. However, most of the time, my listeners opt to kill the fly.
The most painless, clean killing method is the Death Fling. With a violent jerk, fling the fly onto a hard surface, preferably the ground, as gravity contributes to the velocity of the fling. Do not put too much effort into it, lest you dislocate your shoulder, or that you make a messy splotch of the fly in the ground. With experience and practice, you will in no time do the fling with such optimal force that the fly meets death but it actually bounces off the ground rather than lays splat on the floor.
The Scarecrow Method
With a few dead houseflies, you can deter other flies from so much as entering your domicile. All you have to do is dip the carcass in glue,and stick it to a piece of thread. Once it dries off, tape the thread on the doorways and windoways from the outside, so that it scares off those flies who are attempting to break in. You might need to collect quite a few carcasses, since the most effective way is to hang about 5 flies on every door and window. If that does not do the trick, you can post a miniature message, saying something like "Beware! The Death Flinger dwells here". These are the vital steps that you can follow to enjoy a fly-free zone.
The Schnook
when a housefly lands on a surface, do not infect your brain with any of hatred, frustration, or pity. Assume a cold, calculating mode. Remind yourself that you are doing this just because you can. Alternatively, you can adopt the Matrix philosophy and chant on: 'There's no housefly.' However, I doubt that you'll look cool with that chant, because
1. you're not Neo
2. you dont have cool shades
3. Neo is too cool to be bothered by flies, and
4. There IS a housefly.
When you have calmed your mind, and that your intentions are not impured by your emotions, lower your cupped palm on the surface near the fly, although sufficiently far enough so that it does not realize that it is about to get Schnooked. You are now going to sweep across the surface, and jerk your palm fully closed just as you are about to touch the fly. Almost always, it will notice your movement, and will take a flight. Therefore, you should estimate the displaced position the fly will be in.
The Head-on Swoop
The most important point is that your sweeping movement should be such that it meets the fly head-on. (If you cannot see its head, chances are that you forgot to wear your lenses, that you're too far from the fly, or that what you thought was a fly was a forgotten raisin.) This counterdirectional strategy allows you higher chances of success because a fly typically takes a longer time flying backwards than forward. This is in conjunction with the recent finding at Pradhan Labs that a housefly takes a longer time to take off if it is attacked from the front.
You need to practice to perfect this sweep, and build the swiftness in your paw. Once you get the hang of it, it will be as easy as catching a fly.
After you do a clean swoop, you might feel the reassuring buzz of the fly in your fist. You might feel:
1. disgusted that you're touching it with your palm
2. A Suffocating curiosity of whether you really DID capture it, making you want to open your fist just a bit to peer in, and
3. proud that you have a god's creation at your mercy in your fist 4. Intense hatred at the vile creature.
At these trying times, you should still keep your actions methodical, because losing composure is just not cool, and doing so will most of the time lead to the fly's escape.
The Death Fling
Once you make your catch, you have two options, one of which is to just open your fist and let the fly fly. However, most of the time, my listeners opt to kill the fly.
The most painless, clean killing method is the Death Fling. With a violent jerk, fling the fly onto a hard surface, preferably the ground, as gravity contributes to the velocity of the fling. Do not put too much effort into it, lest you dislocate your shoulder, or that you make a messy splotch of the fly in the ground. With experience and practice, you will in no time do the fling with such optimal force that the fly meets death but it actually bounces off the ground rather than lays splat on the floor.
The Scarecrow Method
With a few dead houseflies, you can deter other flies from so much as entering your domicile. All you have to do is dip the carcass in glue,and stick it to a piece of thread. Once it dries off, tape the thread on the doorways and windoways from the outside, so that it scares off those flies who are attempting to break in. You might need to collect quite a few carcasses, since the most effective way is to hang about 5 flies on every door and window. If that does not do the trick, you can post a miniature message, saying something like "Beware! The Death Flinger dwells here". These are the vital steps that you can follow to enjoy a fly-free zone.
Labels: confrontation, here's how, Pradhan Labs
posted by Milan at 10:18 PM
1 Comments:
Hey, if you come up with similar feats for cockroaches, spiders and the likes, you will have caught the likes of Baygon in their mid flight!!! he he he
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