Mighty Bharata Vol 1 Chapter 2

The Dhritta-litter grew and spread, fought and haggled over the land, and created an unfair, unhealthily competitive mood over the whole place...

The eldest and most malicious, Duryodhana, developed an ominous looking moustache during his early pubescent days. In fact, it was more aptly referred to as Bushtache. And he reserved his laughter for his evil deeds. When he did, it was a thigh-slapping spectacle, head thrown back, so that only the top row of teeth and the twiggly tonsils at the black of his throat were visible.

They quarreled with Paandu gang, mostly about insane things. Like once, the Kauravas mixed something in Bhima's laddoos after which he had an upset stomach. It was an ugly sight at the men's room. Weeks after, people still came out of the room with their curled upper lips pasted over their nostrils...

Once, Duryodhana somehow bumped his nose in a glass door at Pandava's palace. Now to give him some credit, a glass or a mirror was a high-tech invention in those reflectionless days. Owning mirrors was an act of extravagance and fancy, not of need. It was normal to have somebody else shave your armpit or pick your teeth. Draupadi therefore laughs her ass off seeing hot and confused D holding up his nose. In a vow to take revenge, the Kauravas somehow make the Pandavas stake, and lose, Draupadi at their casino, and physically abuse Draupadi by trying to disrobe her in the eyes of everybody-well, technically not everybody: Dhritta-something and his wife could not see a damn thing. In any case, lucky for the Abusee, Krishna the fluted cowboy saves the day. He somehow manages to fashion a sari-supplying ropeline out of his lasso ('Janai'), and the Kauravas give up in the end.

Krishna is a strange character. For one, he was blueskinned. Almost all girls looked at him wondering why he was so blue all the time. He also had this knack of twirling a miniature frisbee ('Sudarshan Chakra') in his forefinger.


You can see, in the picture, bearded Bhishma frisbeeing with Krishna (Yep- earliest frisbees were made of wood), him saying 'come on, sissy. is that all you got?'. Arjuna begging at Krishna's feet: 'Come on, Kkrish, let me throw it this time.' The white lasso is quite visible around Krishna's torso, which had a role to play on the famous Draupadi Disgracing Drama. You can also see others lazing around leisurely on the picnic ground, although the turbulent skies show that it was not a good day for frolicking.

Bhishma was a warrior by nature, and was obsessed with promises. He was born with a white hair and a meter-long beard. As a child, he threw tantrums by making obsessive promises and taking wild oaths. At one time, he swore that he will die in a bed of roses, hence acquiring his name: (Bhishma: 'a person of the terrible oath'). It turns out later that he dies in a bed of arrows, which, according to him, wasn't a bad alternative, owing to accupressural reasons. After he dies, there is a lot of hue and cry about how he did not live (or did not die, in this case) by his oath; DoN, Department of Names, eventually rename him Wishma, because the notorious oath seemed to be downgraded to just a wish.

End of Chapter 2.

Glimpses of Chapter 3.
At some point in the story, Duryodhana befriends Karna, a fiercely loyal being. He was born in an armor suit (a la Achilles) when Kunti once stared at the Sun (don't ask me details). Kunti, to hide the embarrassing result, floats him down Ganges river (a la Moses). Surviving the rafting trip, Karna is brought up and trained at the Droner Academy, where Kauravas and Pandavas get their training.

Mighty Bharata Vol 1 Chapter 1

Show me your earhole and I will tell you a story; story of brothers and cousins, of wives and saints, and of abundance and depravity... Keep quiet now, for I am about to begin...

There was once a blind king, Dhritta-something. He was blind from birth, so had absolutely no idea of what things looked like. Amidst spells of inferiority, he would try to join in on conversations: 'yeah, baby- you're soft', 'wow, look at this view, it's sooo... mmm... smelly'; or 'the best part in that movie was the soundtrack'... and the likes...

His annoyability could only be matched by his copycat wife, who would imitate things and actions to the point of impossibility. Let me prove my point by saying that she copied her husband's blindness by draping a piece of cloth over her eyes-mind you-throughout her life.

I guess people are right when they say blind people have heightened sensitivities to other senses- they must have had an amazing sex life. I mean, they had tons of sons- like a hundred thousands or something. They had to post signs everywhere for hiring nannies, and invent new languages (like french, latin) to name them.

Still, it wasn't enough, and many kids died. Which was lucky for Leonardanand Da Vinciswamy, an ascetic with a nocturnal habit of filching dead kids and performing all sorts of experiments. He came up with results like if you throw in two hands, two legs, a torso, a head, and a pair of legs together, you still are short of a spark to make a person alive.

Vinciswamy did have some positive contributions to humanity. He was the one who suggested splitting the chest to bare the heart and conduct a bypass. A novel stunt which was inspired from the most ancient superhero, Hanuman, when he ripped open his ribcage to reveal his dripping and throbbing insides to SitaRam.

Dhritta-something had an elder brother, Giant Pandu, who had blackened eyesockets and loved bamboo shoots and leaves. I mean, he liked to go to bars, order bamboo, shoot the bartender, and leave the place. Stories claim that he still has a living lineage, who are, though, on the endangered list and are under intense scrutiny by the Chinese authorities.

Pandu gave his wife Kunti five kids. Kunti might have been jealous of her sis-in-law's litter, had it not been for one of their sons, Vim, who would create everyday food shortage by gorging on edibles and near-edibles. Her eldest son would create almost-everyday embarrassment by telling horrible truths; 'Gauri, did you just fart?', or 'I do not know why, but I cannot lie. Once I tried to write 'blue' in red ink and ended up writing 'bllllllrrrrrrrrrreddddddd!!!'.

The second-eldest was Arjun. AJ always showed after his father in his violent tendencies. He thought a bow was mightier than a pen or a sword. At times he caused himself harm by kneeling on one knee, looking to the ground, and shooting an arrow vertically above. Ironically, it was only after he perfected this feat that the arrow in its perfect trajectory gravitated back to earth to pierce his own unfortunate skull. He was too dazed to realize that all the while he had defined his own head as the target. It was a mix of fury and embarrassment when friendly Eklavya shouted 'BULLSEYE!!' gleefully as a compliment. However, Arjun did not forget this incident and finally hatched a plot later to make Drona ask for Ekky's thumb as a Gurudakshina.

Nakul-Sahadev were identical twins. They always matched their actions to be virtually indistinguishable. They would, however, invariably let out their respective identities after Queen mother would irritably try to join in and imitate their actions to be the 'third twin'.

Pandu kept an outer facade of humbleness, but he ran an underground propaganda machine to make people gullibly gossip about how Pandu, despite his killing tendencies in bars, was a more deserving king than that the blind guy.

Words were abound that there was yet a third brother who had to distance himself from the royal business. But let's not talk about him, because he did not have a personality and I do not know too much about him.

end of chapter 1. To be continued ...

Glimpse of chapter 2:
The Dhritta-litter grew and spread, fought and haggled over the land, and created an unfair, unhealthily competitive mood over the whole place...