Disparate Housewives

I see a lot of analogies between this show and Sex and the City. I guess one strong connection is that both serials theme around women psychologies. One thing I hate is when that White-clad Simi Garewal, gives that intro-promo ad thingy about the show, saying something like it's not just a story of those housewives in the Wisteria Lane. It is the story of all the housewives, even in India. I dont believe she has had to do much housewifing in her life. And that irritatingly soppy Karan Johar throws in the pitch. I hate his movies and his nasal tone. And his hairyness. I guess I'd be right when I say some are closer to our simian ancestors than others. AND as if these bollymonkies need to promote the show. On top of that, those Starworld guys chose these two snobs to do it!

It's a good show, nevertheless. The Suspense-Buildup Management Team scores well. I think I am sympathetic to Bree the most. She does everything so grand, including that seduction for her husband. And she gets hated in return.

My interest is waning, tho. I just don't seem to click with serials. Does that make me a serial killer. (My wiggly forefinger 'talking' to me: Hmm, but this blog is also a series of posts. Is this to say that I am losing interest in all this, that my writing skill is degenerating, or that I will never be 'blogsome'? Am I committing a slow suicide?!!

I saw a couple of episodes of Little Britain. Quirky British comedy, like it says in its promos. The most funny one is that skit in which the woman keeps throwing up on chief guests on formal events.

This has got to be my shortest blogpost. I guess there's got to be a minimum of everything. Watch out for the other extreme!

When Ants Go Marchin' in Your Space

"The next time you espy a wayward ant on your book or workspace, before you start getting antsy, recall the technique that has been perfected by the science crusaders."
Findings show that it is frustrating that ants are too tiny to be blown away by our exhalations. This frustration is much deep-rooted than we think. It starts from spotting an ant in our private space, and usually lingers on the subconscious so that the next time we see another ant, we experience a new round of frustration just from reflecting the fact that we were unsuccessful at getting rid of the ant in the previous encounter.
Stink it up
There have been many studies done to ease this woe. Antoine, one of the Wacky Boys at Pradhan Labs, had been working on the StinkIt project. The project entailed a subject ingesting something foul and emitting an odorous breath over the ant. The objective is to make the ant faint from the stench, and thereafter to flick it off by the nail of one's left pinkie. Test items to be ingested included raw garlic cloves, and glasses of bagmati water and local liquor. However, the stink was too overwhelming and caused some human casualty. Also, more resistant ants were instead barfing up, adding to the stench. It was a big olfactory mess. StinkIt had to be defunded.

Brewing Oral Storms
The other option is obviously to blow the ant away from the surface. One complication is that the ants sense the storm before it hits them. They take to crouching onto the ground, after which no amount of force can move them. In fact, Anton Ground, a mathematician, proved that if the air-force is sufficiently powerful, the book on which the ant is holding its stance will first get blown away.
(pic: The Crouch Posture)

The Violent Blow
In June 2005, Antoine, the same engineer of the Wacky Boys fame, upped the ante. He devised another ant-ridding technique, whose effectiveness has wowed even his badmouthers (bad pun) and allowed him to once again ride the celebrity waves. He reasserted that the power to rid of ants still lies in our own breath. His Violent Blow method is the best so far (success rate of 97.8% ).
How: You have to be systematic about the blowing affair. After you decide that you would like the bug off your space, take a deep breath and pause momentarily. This is to dispel the Anticipation that you are about to let out a tempest. If you at all watch NatGeo, you might realize that an Antennae is very sensitive to micro-changes in the air densities around it. It can detect even the gentlest inhalation of air. (See pic below)









While you're holding your breath, see whether you can sense that the ant is still suspicious of something black in the lentils. After ensuring that it has let down its guards, in a 'Pphu', let out your breath all in one violent go. The faster you let go the better. If your breath's acceleration surpasses the AntFlight threshold, the ant will be successfully airlifted.
The 2.2% probability of backfiring is attributable to the chances of following occurring:
1. During the Pphu delivery, sometimes your throat constricts involuntarily. Air then tries to vent out from your nostrils, which seriously undermines the power of your blow.
2. During the Pphu, random misfires in synaptic nervous transmissions from your brain can cause your body muscles (especially in your arms and neck) to jerk. This will not foil your plan unless your bodily movement scares the ant, who will promptly assume a tighter Crouch.
3. After you pause in breath to chase away the suspicion, you might sometimes totally forget to exhale. This is a dangerous possibility, since your lungs, your blood vessels, and eventually your brain become devoid of oxygen, and consequently you experience rapid cellular atrophy. You are therefore advised to keep your mental cool, and practice the inhale-pause-exhale routine several times during the day. Youngsters below 12 years of age are strongly advised not to perform this method.
4. Sometimes, the ant is better equipped with extra-grip shoes. This greatly enhances the static friction between it and the surface it walks on. Here, you have no option but to plug in an electric blower to blast out a high-power wind. One dirty alternative is the PinkieFlick maneuver that I have already discussed above.
The Humane Way
If animal rights is your thing, place a few sugar granules on a liftable object (e.g., a postcard, a plastic sheet- make sure the surface is glossy and slippery). Then wait for the ant's antenna to pick up the sweet signals. Once the ant walks on the smooth grounds, you can pick up the object, point it to your trashcan, and blow the ant into the can. The success rate is not that high and this process can take a lot of time.
Spotting the bug can be quite an 'ants in your pants' experience. However, with the proper techniques, you will only feel sorry for the ant.

To Catch a Fly

As I spend my day trying to de-idle my brain, I think a lot of things. My rule is not to banish any thought, be it worthless or not. I come up with many important baseless discoveries that more often than never uplift the human race. Besides, I empathise with the harassees of the houseflies. The annoying wing-beat hummers can drive anyone wild. So in a gesture of compassion, I have decided to share this amazing housefly-catching technique. And I will not bore you with the anatomy of the housefly, so read on.

The Schnook
when a housefly lands on a surface, do not infect your brain with any of hatred, frustration, or pity. Assume a cold, calculating mode. Remind yourself that you are doing this just because you can. Alternatively, you can adopt the Matrix philosophy and chant on: 'There's no housefly.' However, I doubt that you'll look cool with that chant, because
1. you're not Neo
2. you dont have cool shades
3. Neo is too cool to be bothered by flies, and
4. There IS a housefly.
When you have calmed your mind, and that your intentions are not impured by your emotions, lower your cupped palm on the surface near the fly, although sufficiently far enough so that it does not realize that it is about to get Schnooked. You are now going to sweep across the surface, and jerk your palm fully closed just as you are about to touch the fly. Almost always, it will notice your movement, and will take a flight. Therefore, you should estimate the displaced position the fly will be in.

The Head-on Swoop
The most important point is that your sweeping movement should be such that it meets the fly head-on. (If you cannot see its head, chances are that you forgot to wear your lenses, that you're too far from the fly, or that what you thought was a fly was a forgotten raisin.) This counterdirectional strategy allows you higher chances of success because a fly typically takes a longer time flying backwards than forward. This is in conjunction with the recent finding at Pradhan Labs that a housefly takes a longer time to take off if it is attacked from the front.

You need to practice to perfect this sweep, and build the swiftness in your paw. Once you get the hang of it, it will be as easy as catching a fly.

After you do a clean swoop, you might feel the reassuring buzz of the fly in your fist. You might feel:
1. disgusted that you're touching it with your palm
2. A Suffocating curiosity of whether you really DID capture it, making you want to open your fist just a bit to peer in, and
3. proud that you have a god's creation at your mercy in your fist 4. Intense hatred at the vile creature.

At these trying times, you should still keep your actions methodical, because losing composure is just not cool, and doing so will most of the time lead to the fly's escape.

The Death Fling
Once you make your catch, you have two options, one of which is to just open your fist and let the fly fly. However, most of the time, my listeners opt to kill the fly.
The most painless, clean killing method is the Death Fling. With a violent jerk, fling the fly onto a hard surface, preferably the ground, as gravity contributes to the velocity of the fling. Do not put too much effort into it, lest you dislocate your shoulder, or that you make a messy splotch of the fly in the ground. With experience and practice, you will in no time do the fling with such optimal force that the fly meets death but it actually bounces off the ground rather than lays splat on the floor.

The Scarecrow Method
With a few dead houseflies, you can deter other flies from so much as entering your domicile. All you have to do is dip the carcass in glue,and stick it to a piece of thread. Once it dries off, tape the thread on the doorways and windoways from the outside, so that it scares off those flies who are attempting to break in. You might need to collect quite a few carcasses, since the most effective way is to hang about 5 flies on every door and window. If that does not do the trick, you can post a miniature message, saying something like "Beware! The Death Flinger dwells here". These are the vital steps that you can follow to enjoy a fly-free zone.

The Wiggly Forefinger

Disclaimer
I think I am getting wackier by the day. Considering that my days at KUSOM are numbered, I should be organizing my thoughts and be de-wacking myself. Bu then, I indulge in small pleasures, and it feels good.

Going Digital
I have recently found a way to test new limits of forebearance on my nears and dears. I have devised a new form of 'soma-signage' that is meant to complement my usual expressations. I would wiggle my forefinger in the direction of the listener- about 1-2 times every syllable that I speak, much like a tiny hand beckoning at the person.

The rule is, I would use my right forefinger when I am expressing any positive emotions ("Hi, Nidhi!"). I would use my left to express my negative emotions ("Oh, no!"). I would use both the fingers together to express a neutral comment ("Ramdai, a ka-dak black coffee for me, please"). And I would reverse my palm and wiggle at myself if I should be reflecting on something or thinking out aloud (again using the 1-2 wiggles per syllable rule).

Dynamic Medium
Nothing endures if it does not change. We live in a world that is constantly in a state of flux. Because of this, I am actively exploring new avenues to increase the wealth of my gestures. One of the new signs is currently in the pipeline. In this, a stiff forefinger, pivoted from the finger base, will trace out circles. I will use it when I am listening to a slow talker, to signify that I am getting impatient, and that could the talker please hurry. This will be a minor breakthrough, because this will be a new gesture that will not be used in conjunction with my talking. It will be employed strictly during my listening mode only.

Product Launch
The soft launch for this gesture is due tomorrow. The criteria for the performance of this new product is predominantly outcome-based, namely the extent of vexation apparent on the fellow conversationer's face. However, I still have not developed reliable metrics to guage this criteria.

Although the criteria for the performance of the finger language is impatience for now, my primary objective is something else. I dream of a workplace, where a manager can carry out his/her idea proposal from his/her mere fingertips. I envision a time and place where fingers do most of the talking. That's a revolutionary digit-al communication! One obvious advantage over the prevalent conventional digital world is that this new form is based on a quintary system rather than a binary system. This means that with same amount of communication material will hold more than twice the amount of information.

On a totally unrelated subject, I urge you to browse this site: http://www.factcheck.org/
The slogan of the website is "Holding Politicians Accountable". Very interesting site.

The Near Hit

I was in the microbus, grateful of the driver's driving speed- I was already late to meet the guys over at Mike's Breakfast in Naxal. We had just passed the red light at Singhadurbar, and were approaching Bhadrakali, when an armed policeman (in his private bike) was overtaking from the right. He seemed visibly irritated and was glaring at the driver. He drove close by the driver's window, staring at the poor guy, and finally overtook us. The policeman sounded quite rude to me. Most probably the microbus driver had swerved to the right, and caused some discomfort to this biker.

So, the driver looked over his right shoulder at the conductor inside the microvan, signaling 'Can you believe that?'. Little did he realize that the policeman had stopped his bike a little ahead directly in front of the path of the van.

The driver thankfully looked back at the road at the last minute. He would have killed the armed cop and wrecked the bike. He slammed on the brakes, and managed to stop the van.

You can guess how angry the cop got. He lumbered over, and put his face inches from the poor driver's face. Said something incomprehensible, and despite the driver's timid reply, delivered a cracking slap across the driver's cheeks.

It must have been burning, both from the pain and the embarrassment, because the driver put his elbows on top of the steering wheel, and buried his face between his arms. Poor guy. But he should thank god or whoever that he did not hit the policeman, otherwise he would most probably have been made 'bepatta'.

With visibly shaky hands, probably ruffled by the close shave and the tight slap, the dejected chap carefully edged his van ahead.