Train of Thoughts

I love traveling in the Second Class- there’s so much air in the compartments…

So once I was on a train (The Tangential Express) to Rajasthan, and I was being exhilarated by the fact that I was standing on a doorway that had no door to contain me, a block of air traversing through my body. I thought- what an opportunity to aerate my cranial hollow, and stuck out so much so that only my palms and feet-fingers were actually inside the massive, hurling lumber of steel; Imagine a horizontally aligned miniature human parachute holding the train in its course.

Air blasted through my left ear, and swept off all of my grievances and misgivings out of my right. My top floor felt aerated. If I stuck both of my pinkies to partially block the left earhole, I could even manage a whistle loud enough to contest with the train’s.

Suddenly, from the corner of my eye, up on a gentle bend, I espied a huge shaft of metal gate on the tracks, which allowed only a few inches of space for the train to shoot through. Wait a minute, I thought- Rajasthan is a hot place- look at all the sand; metals tend to expand, right? The train must be swollen with all the heat; can it really fit through the gate? So I rubbernecked (wincingly) to get a better look…

The train snaked lazily towards the gate, and amazingly shot through the gate. Hurray, I mentally shouted, causing an echo, which was quickly drained out with the air tunnel phenomenon going on inside my head. A classic Doppler effect.

If I hadn’t surfed along this tangent, my amazing experience would have ended right here. For I would have had time to withdraw my chute to the compartment. From where I was, I could see the solid gate hurl towards me in a frightening momentum, and although I managed to get inside up to my neck, I felt more than saw a big thump on my left temple…

My left eye jumped out, but the optic nerve yo-yo’ed it back into my optic hollow- but the pupil was facing inside, noting the amorphous brain sitting sagely inside- I noted a sense of Deja-vu. A loop of optic nerve was now hanging out from my left eye-hole, sort of like a telephone cord holding the receiver in its rightful place…

Staggering with the experience, I propped my body against the wall of the compartment, and hung my left arm limply over the optic loop, and tried to regain the composure. I had shifted my whole weight onto my right leg, which was shaking crazily, threatening to buck. Everybody in the train had a gaped look in their faces. A few passengers started to vomit on each other, and triggered a chain of induced throw-ups all over the compartment. After a while, walls were dripping off dull-colored viscous fluids- I could make out that this lady had chicken sandwich for lunch, while that man had tequila shots the night before. It’s hard not to get the picture…

I looked back at the innocent doorless doorway that had started all this. The air that was now coming in now felt chilly. I felt naked in the audience of annoyed passengers. I pretended that there were some sand grains in my right eye, and rubbed it vigorously with the sides of my forefinger; and during the charade, as surreptitiously as I could (given the situation), I grabbed my left optic nerve and pulled out the eye. I carelessly stuffed the nerve back into my skull and plopped the eye back into its place.

Mighty Bharata Vol 1 Chapter 2

The Dhritta-litter grew and spread, fought and haggled over the land, and created an unfair, unhealthily competitive mood over the whole place...

The eldest and most malicious, Duryodhana, developed an ominous looking moustache during his early pubescent days. In fact, it was more aptly referred to as Bushtache. And he reserved his laughter for his evil deeds. When he did, it was a thigh-slapping spectacle, head thrown back, so that only the top row of teeth and the twiggly tonsils at the black of his throat were visible.

They quarreled with Paandu gang, mostly about insane things. Like once, the Kauravas mixed something in Bhima's laddoos after which he had an upset stomach. It was an ugly sight at the men's room. Weeks after, people still came out of the room with their curled upper lips pasted over their nostrils...

Once, Duryodhana somehow bumped his nose in a glass door at Pandava's palace. Now to give him some credit, a glass or a mirror was a high-tech invention in those reflectionless days. Owning mirrors was an act of extravagance and fancy, not of need. It was normal to have somebody else shave your armpit or pick your teeth. Draupadi therefore laughs her ass off seeing hot and confused D holding up his nose. In a vow to take revenge, the Kauravas somehow make the Pandavas stake, and lose, Draupadi at their casino, and physically abuse Draupadi by trying to disrobe her in the eyes of everybody-well, technically not everybody: Dhritta-something and his wife could not see a damn thing. In any case, lucky for the Abusee, Krishna the fluted cowboy saves the day. He somehow manages to fashion a sari-supplying ropeline out of his lasso ('Janai'), and the Kauravas give up in the end.

Krishna is a strange character. For one, he was blueskinned. Almost all girls looked at him wondering why he was so blue all the time. He also had this knack of twirling a miniature frisbee ('Sudarshan Chakra') in his forefinger.


You can see, in the picture, bearded Bhishma frisbeeing with Krishna (Yep- earliest frisbees were made of wood), him saying 'come on, sissy. is that all you got?'. Arjuna begging at Krishna's feet: 'Come on, Kkrish, let me throw it this time.' The white lasso is quite visible around Krishna's torso, which had a role to play on the famous Draupadi Disgracing Drama. You can also see others lazing around leisurely on the picnic ground, although the turbulent skies show that it was not a good day for frolicking.

Bhishma was a warrior by nature, and was obsessed with promises. He was born with a white hair and a meter-long beard. As a child, he threw tantrums by making obsessive promises and taking wild oaths. At one time, he swore that he will die in a bed of roses, hence acquiring his name: (Bhishma: 'a person of the terrible oath'). It turns out later that he dies in a bed of arrows, which, according to him, wasn't a bad alternative, owing to accupressural reasons. After he dies, there is a lot of hue and cry about how he did not live (or did not die, in this case) by his oath; DoN, Department of Names, eventually rename him Wishma, because the notorious oath seemed to be downgraded to just a wish.

End of Chapter 2.

Glimpses of Chapter 3.
At some point in the story, Duryodhana befriends Karna, a fiercely loyal being. He was born in an armor suit (a la Achilles) when Kunti once stared at the Sun (don't ask me details). Kunti, to hide the embarrassing result, floats him down Ganges river (a la Moses). Surviving the rafting trip, Karna is brought up and trained at the Droner Academy, where Kauravas and Pandavas get their training.

Mighty Bharata Vol 1 Chapter 1

Show me your earhole and I will tell you a story; story of brothers and cousins, of wives and saints, and of abundance and depravity... Keep quiet now, for I am about to begin...

There was once a blind king, Dhritta-something. He was blind from birth, so had absolutely no idea of what things looked like. Amidst spells of inferiority, he would try to join in on conversations: 'yeah, baby- you're soft', 'wow, look at this view, it's sooo... mmm... smelly'; or 'the best part in that movie was the soundtrack'... and the likes...

His annoyability could only be matched by his copycat wife, who would imitate things and actions to the point of impossibility. Let me prove my point by saying that she copied her husband's blindness by draping a piece of cloth over her eyes-mind you-throughout her life.

I guess people are right when they say blind people have heightened sensitivities to other senses- they must have had an amazing sex life. I mean, they had tons of sons- like a hundred thousands or something. They had to post signs everywhere for hiring nannies, and invent new languages (like french, latin) to name them.

Still, it wasn't enough, and many kids died. Which was lucky for Leonardanand Da Vinciswamy, an ascetic with a nocturnal habit of filching dead kids and performing all sorts of experiments. He came up with results like if you throw in two hands, two legs, a torso, a head, and a pair of legs together, you still are short of a spark to make a person alive.

Vinciswamy did have some positive contributions to humanity. He was the one who suggested splitting the chest to bare the heart and conduct a bypass. A novel stunt which was inspired from the most ancient superhero, Hanuman, when he ripped open his ribcage to reveal his dripping and throbbing insides to SitaRam.

Dhritta-something had an elder brother, Giant Pandu, who had blackened eyesockets and loved bamboo shoots and leaves. I mean, he liked to go to bars, order bamboo, shoot the bartender, and leave the place. Stories claim that he still has a living lineage, who are, though, on the endangered list and are under intense scrutiny by the Chinese authorities.

Pandu gave his wife Kunti five kids. Kunti might have been jealous of her sis-in-law's litter, had it not been for one of their sons, Vim, who would create everyday food shortage by gorging on edibles and near-edibles. Her eldest son would create almost-everyday embarrassment by telling horrible truths; 'Gauri, did you just fart?', or 'I do not know why, but I cannot lie. Once I tried to write 'blue' in red ink and ended up writing 'bllllllrrrrrrrrrreddddddd!!!'.

The second-eldest was Arjun. AJ always showed after his father in his violent tendencies. He thought a bow was mightier than a pen or a sword. At times he caused himself harm by kneeling on one knee, looking to the ground, and shooting an arrow vertically above. Ironically, it was only after he perfected this feat that the arrow in its perfect trajectory gravitated back to earth to pierce his own unfortunate skull. He was too dazed to realize that all the while he had defined his own head as the target. It was a mix of fury and embarrassment when friendly Eklavya shouted 'BULLSEYE!!' gleefully as a compliment. However, Arjun did not forget this incident and finally hatched a plot later to make Drona ask for Ekky's thumb as a Gurudakshina.

Nakul-Sahadev were identical twins. They always matched their actions to be virtually indistinguishable. They would, however, invariably let out their respective identities after Queen mother would irritably try to join in and imitate their actions to be the 'third twin'.

Pandu kept an outer facade of humbleness, but he ran an underground propaganda machine to make people gullibly gossip about how Pandu, despite his killing tendencies in bars, was a more deserving king than that the blind guy.

Words were abound that there was yet a third brother who had to distance himself from the royal business. But let's not talk about him, because he did not have a personality and I do not know too much about him.

end of chapter 1. To be continued ...

Glimpse of chapter 2:
The Dhritta-litter grew and spread, fought and haggled over the land, and created an unfair, unhealthily competitive mood over the whole place...

He/She

He punches a code in his right kneecap,
And presses his belly button.
His right calf unzips open,
And three elastic balls dribble out.
Catching two with his hands
And the third with his mouth
He then turns to the girl.

Inserting the two inside her pockets,
And balancing the third on her nose ridge,
She vomits out a spoon,
And gently taps the ball with it.

The ball rolls upwards to the forehead.
Splits into two equal halves,
And begins spewing black spindles,
Which starts rooting into the skin
And become two bushy eyebrows.

Yuck, says he. I like the browless eye.
It's for me to decide, retorts she.
And besides, I also prefer a browless smile.
Huh? Asks he. What could that possibly mean.
The brow you have, jokes she,
Between your nose and your mouth.

Ahh, but this is a sign of virility, says he.
And besides, we shave them off if need be.

But that does not make any… she begins
But the balls in her jeans begin spewing spindles,
Tickling her and making her squirm laughingly.
And what in the name is that?
She says they are her bovine hiphairs.
Hiphairs I can comprehend, he says.
But why bovine? Then she says:
Well, they came out of your calf, didn't it?

Presently, he tugs at her hiphairs
Ouch, she squeals, why did you do that?
But before he can answer, her navel bulges out,
and she yelps laughingly in surprise.
Impossible, an eye! He says,
It's a digestive eye, she says,
It might come in handy during tummy aches

But logically, it should be something else
That reports. Not something that takes in stimuli.

Hmm, that's odd, she says, you're right.
So, she takes a deep breath, and keeps still
While the navel swallows the eye.
And as she violently breathes out,
He sees a belly button.

Lying through your teeth

You know a fly has farted when you see it flying in a straight line...
-George Carlin

The most achieved liars are the raconteurs of bedtime stories and fantasy, like C.S. Lewis (Alice in Wonderland, Narnia Chronicles), J. K. Rowling, and the fabricators of religion, cinderella story, red riding hood, etc.

Lying harmlessly can be used as an amusement tool, if you really think about it. I sometimes employ prevarications and fabrications to amuse myself. It is fun making up something that sounds too weird to be true. But the catch is that it should only be a bit weird. And you have to be specific about it. It is like you are creating an event that might as well have happened, but you need to sprinkle some odd facts to make the listeners prick their ears yourway.

Like, you can say:

1. "you know, those music bands that play those Hindi movie songs in weddings. They inherently have this intense competition. Normally, one guy from some band company will sit down and translate the catchy songs into the band's notation. That notation script is so valuable that he does not normally let others see it. Often, ugly scuffles break out when somebody from another band company is caught stealing/plagiarizing the original notation."

2. "Chhinnze Tongg Maah! means I want to be your scrumptious petal in Vietnamese."

3. Long time ago, there was this divine being who hooked up with a talking and flying monkey with a handy tail and some odd animals, who helped make a floating rocky bridge to win back his love of life from a dude with 10 heads who had a golden kingdom on an island.

I consider myself an accomplished liar (of harmless type). After my delivery, I invariably see the awed expression. And a statement "really?!", after which I promptly reply, "Of course not...".

Too Weird Lies
Although, I also make up absurd events, making the listener know for sure it's a straight lie as soon as I say it.
But with the aim being to watch how he/she takes in and tries to digest the fabricated morsel. I would say something like:

1. "you know, I have found out how to communicate with the dogs."

2. "Once, immediately after watching Harry Potter and the Philosopher's stone, I suddenly had this unexplained urge to concentrate on my room's door and run into it; the next thing i realized was that I was on the other side of it."

The listeners sometimes give me an 'you never change', or 'as if that can happen' look. But rarely, they find it laughing funny. Even more rarely, it backfires- the listener actually believes it. I think that was when I said "Once, I jumped from the roof of my house, and landed on the concrete completely intact." Tara you never know whether that (as in, somebody believing) actually happened!

;)

When Ants Go Marchin' in Your Space

"The next time you espy a wayward ant on your book or workspace, before you start getting antsy, recall the technique that has been perfected by the science crusaders."
Findings show that it is frustrating that ants are too tiny to be blown away by our exhalations. This frustration is much deep-rooted than we think. It starts from spotting an ant in our private space, and usually lingers on the subconscious so that the next time we see another ant, we experience a new round of frustration just from reflecting the fact that we were unsuccessful at getting rid of the ant in the previous encounter.
Stink it up
There have been many studies done to ease this woe. Antoine, one of the Wacky Boys at Pradhan Labs, had been working on the StinkIt project. The project entailed a subject ingesting something foul and emitting an odorous breath over the ant. The objective is to make the ant faint from the stench, and thereafter to flick it off by the nail of one's left pinkie. Test items to be ingested included raw garlic cloves, and glasses of bagmati water and local liquor. However, the stink was too overwhelming and caused some human casualty. Also, more resistant ants were instead barfing up, adding to the stench. It was a big olfactory mess. StinkIt had to be defunded.

Brewing Oral Storms
The other option is obviously to blow the ant away from the surface. One complication is that the ants sense the storm before it hits them. They take to crouching onto the ground, after which no amount of force can move them. In fact, Anton Ground, a mathematician, proved that if the air-force is sufficiently powerful, the book on which the ant is holding its stance will first get blown away.
(pic: The Crouch Posture)

The Violent Blow
In June 2005, Antoine, the same engineer of the Wacky Boys fame, upped the ante. He devised another ant-ridding technique, whose effectiveness has wowed even his badmouthers (bad pun) and allowed him to once again ride the celebrity waves. He reasserted that the power to rid of ants still lies in our own breath. His Violent Blow method is the best so far (success rate of 97.8% ).
How: You have to be systematic about the blowing affair. After you decide that you would like the bug off your space, take a deep breath and pause momentarily. This is to dispel the Anticipation that you are about to let out a tempest. If you at all watch NatGeo, you might realize that an Antennae is very sensitive to micro-changes in the air densities around it. It can detect even the gentlest inhalation of air. (See pic below)









While you're holding your breath, see whether you can sense that the ant is still suspicious of something black in the lentils. After ensuring that it has let down its guards, in a 'Pphu', let out your breath all in one violent go. The faster you let go the better. If your breath's acceleration surpasses the AntFlight threshold, the ant will be successfully airlifted.
The 2.2% probability of backfiring is attributable to the chances of following occurring:
1. During the Pphu delivery, sometimes your throat constricts involuntarily. Air then tries to vent out from your nostrils, which seriously undermines the power of your blow.
2. During the Pphu, random misfires in synaptic nervous transmissions from your brain can cause your body muscles (especially in your arms and neck) to jerk. This will not foil your plan unless your bodily movement scares the ant, who will promptly assume a tighter Crouch.
3. After you pause in breath to chase away the suspicion, you might sometimes totally forget to exhale. This is a dangerous possibility, since your lungs, your blood vessels, and eventually your brain become devoid of oxygen, and consequently you experience rapid cellular atrophy. You are therefore advised to keep your mental cool, and practice the inhale-pause-exhale routine several times during the day. Youngsters below 12 years of age are strongly advised not to perform this method.
4. Sometimes, the ant is better equipped with extra-grip shoes. This greatly enhances the static friction between it and the surface it walks on. Here, you have no option but to plug in an electric blower to blast out a high-power wind. One dirty alternative is the PinkieFlick maneuver that I have already discussed above.
The Humane Way
If animal rights is your thing, place a few sugar granules on a liftable object (e.g., a postcard, a plastic sheet- make sure the surface is glossy and slippery). Then wait for the ant's antenna to pick up the sweet signals. Once the ant walks on the smooth grounds, you can pick up the object, point it to your trashcan, and blow the ant into the can. The success rate is not that high and this process can take a lot of time.
Spotting the bug can be quite an 'ants in your pants' experience. However, with the proper techniques, you will only feel sorry for the ant.